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Thursday, October 06, 2005

Days of Awe

I didn't plan it this way, but I find myself recovering from brain surgery during the days between Rosh HaShanah and Yom Kippur, the 10 days when even if you haven't been through so momentous an experience, you're supposed to reflect on the past year, the year ahead, and whether in general you are living in a meaningful way. I am staying with my parents, aged 78 and 81, with whom I have always been close, though at times at war, and we are sharing a deeper meeting of minds than I'd ever expected. Last night, for instance, I was playing backgammon with my dad and we both seemed simultaneously to forget what color markers we controlled. "I think we have some of the same issues," I said. "But you have an excuse," he said. This could be an exaggeration. My folks are in blessedly good shape, including mentally, and so am I -- the operation went better than I'd ever expected; I have a clean bill of health and am recovering very quickly. Yet together with them, I've been spending an unusual amount of time thinking about the ephemerality of life, of independence and control. In a strange way, it's liberating -- and it ties back to Mommy Brain ideas for me powerfully in that being a mother was my first taste since childhood of being extraordinarily dependent on others and finding that that is often quite okay. I won't be blogging often over this next week as I'm trying to quickly recover to get back to my spouse and kids, but just felt a huge need to express my enormous gratitude for the many people in my life who have come through for me during this time, in ways that have absolutely dazzled me, and to Dr. Michael McDermott, a surgical star.

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